Adelaide: Regretted labelling itself the "city of churches" since the 60's. Commonly referred to as "never heard of it".

Brisbane: Population including Cane Toads: 5.2 million. Population minus Cane Toads: Nowhere near Melbourne and Sydney's. Interstate migrants have been introduced to correct this problem.

Canberra: The love child of a dummy spit between Melbourne and Sydney. The solution: Put the capital somewhere between the two cities. Everyone’s a winner. Except if you have to move to Canberra.

Darwin: Hot, humid and crappy with the slight chance of crocodile. Only capital city in the world where businessmen wear shorts and long socks to meetings about resources, company mergers and acquisitions.

Hobart: Where a yacht race ends once a year. Thought by many to be that "New Zealand" place. Sometimes considered to be a separate country infested with inbreds.

Melbourne: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jam, air pollution and all things that only latte-sippers can put up with. The sheilas are bitchy and the blokes are always drunk. The city's favourite sport is "football" and all its dwellers hate Sydney.

Perth: A city that far away from the East coast cannot still be in Australia, can it?

Sydney: Typical concrete jungle with everything that signifies it - that is, traffic jam, air pollution and all things that only latte-sippers can put up with. The sheilas are bitchy and the blokes are always drunk. The city's favourite sport is rugby and all its dwellers hate Melbourne.